On the Subject of Statues
All of them
As we watch the toppling of Confederate generals, famed white supremacists, slaveholders, slave traders, colonists and conquerors, we need to stop and take a moment to note what no one is discussing.
Statues are fucking stupid.
All of them. The idea of the statue may be normalized through sheer exposure. But can you imagine explaining this to a child?
“Okay Buster, here’s the deal. Someone famous died, and to honor them, we’re going to make a life size action figure, but with the colors all messed up and no one can play with it.”
Buster goes from excited to bewildered in the span of five seconds as his little mind realizes what it knew all along.
The tall people are fucking loony.
And they’re building even taller people. I’ve only been on this planet three years and I already want out. Have you heard what they’re doing to the climate?
Maybe not the last part, but Buster has a right to be weirded out. Statues are weird. Do you know we’re the only species who builds statues? You don’t see whales circling the altar of Shamu. Coco the Gorilla doesn’t even have a fan club. You could torch Donkey Kong right in the monkey enclosure and none of them would complain that he was part of their history.
#YesAllStatues
Wait, even the cool people? What about the statues of Martin Luther King Jr? And Eleanor Roosevelt? What about Harriet Tubman and Sacagawea? Should their statues come down too?
Abso-goddam-lutely.
Not that I don’t disrespect their contributions and accomplishments. I do, with the exception of Sacagawea. Her decision to show Lewis and Clark around the regions west of the Mississippi was effectively an open house for home invaders. However, I respect her intentions, and as such she should be immortalized as more than a gigantic Barbie. How about giving her a book? Maybe a museum. I’ll go for a monument even, because that necessitates enough curiosity to walk up and read about someone, rather than look at their crappy replica in gray scale.
Historic Statues too
No statue becomes less dumb for being a priceless work of historic art. The spirit of Venus does not dwell within the statue of Venus de Milo. She was a project commissioned to an independent artist by a guy who’s identity we never learned. Dunno about you, but that sounds like a sex doll to me. And can you believe in the entirety of the internet there’s not a single porn starring her and the statue of David? That’s just criminal with the sheer amount of “rock hard” puns available.
Mount Rushmore
I’m torn on this one because I kind of want to see it. But then again, if I really wanted to see it I would have done so already. So yeah, let it go.
The One That Gotta Stay
The Statue of Liberty. Why? First of all, we’re not disservicing her legacy. She isn’t real. Neither is Venus, but unlike the statue of Venus, Lady Liberty does something. You can get up inside of her (don’t make it weird) and gaze from on high at the Manhattan skyline. To me, that’s worth something. If the French decided to give us an observation tower, I’d be all about it. And if the French glammed it up to look like a woman in a toga, I’d call that fun. And unlike Venus, she has enough arms to hold it up.
Call me a pragmatist, but I’m in favor of that which serves a purpose. By and large, statues do not. They sit there, serving as memorials of time and talent wasted. So please, topple them all. Don’t worry. The pigeons will find another place to shit.
