How to Out-Woke Your Co-workers

Six Practical Strategies

Who’s the wokest one at work? You don’t even need to ask. It’s you, of course. Sure you may be white. And cisgender. Maybe even heterosexual, or possibly a man, but that doesn’t blind you to the realities of this un-great nation. You get it. You self-educate. You’re an ally. But what good is any of that if you can’t show it off to people in your daily life? No good, no good at all. And so here are Six Practical Strategies to Out-Woke Your Co-workers.

1. Catch a complaint. Make it comparative

As always happens at work, someone will complain. This is only natural. What you must do is throw out a group who has the same type of problem on a far worse scale. If they have to work long hours this weekend, mention the children in Chinese sweatshops that manufactured the shirt you’re wearing. If they complain about traffic on the highway, educate them on human trafficking. Get stuck? Child soldiers in Sudan are always a reliable go-to. Don’t over-do it though, or people might start asking if you actually donate.

2. Look for the list. Find what’s missing

This one takes a while to perfect, so start now. Whenever someone at work makes a list, there WILL be an item missing. Find it. Did they say we need to take into account the stigma surrounding race, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, means of procreation, homelessness and AIDS? You gotta be right there with “and addiction!” before they can continue. This shows the speaker that you were fully cognizant of each item previous, but had awareness of just one more that slipped their less enlightened mind.

3. “Toxic,” “privilege,” and “space”

These words are your three best friends. “Toxic” can go anywhere; toxic masculinity, toxic relationship, toxic positivity, toxic Britney Spears. I just pulled these from Google’s drop down menu on “toxic.” The word gives you immediate moral high ground. “Privilege” is a great when you’re losing an argument. Tell your opponent they’re speaking from a place of privilege or showing their privilege and watch them immediately become defensive and bewildered.* “Space” is like “toxic,” in that it can go anywhere and shows how open and inclusive you are. When we’re in this space, we use this space to create a safe space that holds space, makes space, and gives space to people who adopt the proper headspace to take command of this space. Sound like a guy in a 1950s NASA commercial…“IN SPAAAAAAAACE!”

NOTE: Be careful not to use “privilege” correctly. Knowing abuse of privilege is proven to be a regular occurrence in work environments, and you don’t want to err from the performative to the substantial. Also, learn to spell “privilege” ’cause I fucked it up eight times just writing this.

4. Invent a new way to say the same thing

And be the first. This doesn’t even need to be offensive words. Just find a new word. It’s not “social distancing,” it’s “physical distancing.” Everyone was physical distancing anyway, but no matter; you found the word! Now go tell Instagram.

5. If someone didn’t know something, be shocked

Shocked, I tell you. Floored. Dumbstruck. Aghast. You need to be weak in the knees, slack jawed, clutching the nearest means of support to keep you from collapsing to the floor, overwhelmed by the enormity of their ignorance. This indicates to any and all onlookers that not only are you privy to this knowledge, but have been for a long time. So long, in fact, that you’ve been sheltered by the iron fortress of your own social awareness, and are thusly shaken to see a grown adult who’s still in a process of learning.

6. If Everyone Likes It, Figure Out Why It’s Bad

Make no mistake: if everyone likes something, it’s horrible. Really? What about The Da Vinci Code? It’s named for a pedophile. Dwayne Johnson? Propagates violence. A wide-spread fundraiser to find a cure for a debilitating and lethal disease? The 2014 ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: an attention-seeking fad. If everyone likes something, you need to know the reason it’s — say it with me — toxic! And trust, if everyone loves it, there will be a reason. The only exception is Oprah.

There it is, friends. While your co-workers bravely change their online logos to rainbows, you’ll be six steps ahead of their grand displays. And don’t worry if you aren’t seeing immediate results. Remember, you’re not ending the world’s systemic injustices. You’re merely showing your co-workers that you know what they are. And at the end of the work-week, that’s what really matters.